The Fog.....

Have you ever felt like you were in a fog? Like walking through the same thing every single day and it almost feels as if you are walking in slow motion? For example, I get up, take the first child to school (since his school starts at the CRACK of dawn) come home, get the next two ready and take them to school and then come back and get the littles ready and take them to their Moms Morning Out program. I have the next 4 hours to run all of the errands, clean, grocery shop, etc etc etc and then in the blink of the eye its time for a mad dash of picking up 5 kids at 4 different places. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE MY LIFE. I LOVE being a MOM more than ANYTHING.... I know that one of these days all of them will be grown and independent and I won't be shuttling them around in a sweet "Swag Wagon" like I do now.  But still, I've been in a fog....

We have been in Charleston for almost a year. WOW. almost a WHOLE YEAR.. There were days I didn't think I would survive... Some days now I don't think I will survive. But I have.  We all have. Making a move across the country is a HUGE experience. Huge. Leaving everything you have known and loved and starting all over. Seeing the kids have to forge through unknown territory and make brand new friends is hard and it can leave a tremendous weight of guilt on this mama. I can still tear up thinking about it. Its still hard to walk in Kelcie's room and see the wall of pictures reminding us of everything we left behind. Its tough stuff, y'all. Moving this far away from home for me has been a journey and I'm still walking it. Who wouldn't want to live here? Seriously, Charleston has to be the most beautiful city I have ever been to. Historic charm, amazing food, temperatures are perfect (I am a little jealous of the fire pit pictures I keep seeing Oklahoma friends), people here are SO FRIENDLY... (with the exception of the people that don't understand the 4 way stop by the church. Seriously people) Kids are for the most part so respectful with the Yes ma'ams and no ma'ams.  But in December, I seriously feel like the high I was on dropped me like a bad habit and I found the Fog. Or rather it found me and it consumed me. I had a really hard time adjusting. I would cry every single day. It wasn't because things here were bad. You seriously could not ask for a better church than Faith. It has everything you could ask for. But when the reality of the move set in and I thought I wasn't going to be home for Christmas (I did make the trip with my 5 kiddos.. yep all by myself. I pretty much rocked that trip...) I broke. My husband, God bless him,  was left looking at the shambles and broken fragments of what was left of his usually strong and outspoken wife.  I found that I was not only dealing with the move but other things in my life that I hadn't dealt with. For instance, the death of our twins. It has been 6 years and I seriously thought I had dealt with those emotions but nope, they came back in rare form with me even feeling guilty for moving away from where they are buried. Lots of self discovery has been going on here.

So whats the point?  I'm realizing more and more that the fog is lifting. I'm learning that each day is a precious gift. Each time I get to lay down at night with Mayah and Carrson because they can't possibly sleep unless I stay in their rooms until they fall asleep, is a gift. God has a plan and a purpose for MY life. I am CHOSEN. I am LOVED. And I can LOVE. I can find my place because my place is in HIM. So sweet mama that might be reading this. Don't let the fog overtake you. Fight back. Start a new journey of self discovery. Take it one day at a time because the Lord knows thats what I'm having to do. One sweet step at a time. The fog does lift and when it does there is a beautiful ray of sunshine that will beam down on your face and in the face of those little ones that you are pretty sure are going to suck the life right out of you.  You are tougher than you realize. Hang in there...

xoxo